I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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