She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
