He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
