lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
