I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
