is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
