Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize