my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have fence marks all over my body
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
