ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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