I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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