i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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