how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
