Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
