You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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