I heard we made out
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
