Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My vagina is very pro this idea
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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