I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize