So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
