cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
third nipple confirmed
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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