dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
