it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
