What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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