I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
