how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
a search helicopter?!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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