The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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