His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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