Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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