I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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