i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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