the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
