I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize