omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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