the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
