my phone needs a breathalizer
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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