Well douche your snatch and let's go!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
