dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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