I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
