put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
