I'm so fucking centered right now
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
