the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
