ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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