I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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