I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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