Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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