i permit you to call me
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
