I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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