Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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