When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
