Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
