I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's blow job season.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
