im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
