i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
