The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
