I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
