My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
