i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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