Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
