There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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