I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
