Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
